© aliza aliza's show is happening next friday. i am excited to see this ravenette in her little black dress, and doty with his tote, and baby blues. she has a youthful, infectious laugh and i hope there is a lot of that and support at this opening. thank god we're 7 hours behind. when i awake my telepathic efforts will have been in vain. eye contact will have been had, platonic embraces leaving no one but me cold, charm and white lies: everything had been framed. everyone, too. and that's fine: the continent will sleep while this country is restless. we will hug aliza and celebrate her very real efforts as very real friends DO. suzy got her visa and leaves for italy on saturday. "MAMMA!" she cries. and means it. i am ecstatic for her because to make her smile is like hitting the 7-7-7 jackpot in vegas where the prize is silk scarves and extra-virgin olive oil, honey, and butterflies. i mean it. i won't see her until she returns; which she will. daniel turns 30 tomorrow; i wish for him a lot. best writer, most unique, funniest, most sensitive! he needs 1st row seats to his own show. 1 candle cupcake, and a cupcake for him, too. young jj also turns 30. this wednesday. in these 12 years he has never been a shit head, upset me, or ignored me. he has loved me, cared for me, fed me, guested me, bested me, included me, shared me, and taught me. what does it mean? how is it possible????sarita is with her best friend in london. i go onto her blog to see her photos and i feel her there. i see her walk and shaking her head and curling her blond curls, growing, growing, growing long...breezy is in LA - ! and maybe back to London we don't really know anything, do we? he says it's boring but it's not. its drama is the 1st car of a roller coaster and he is sitting there in coney island; being jerked around. i see him on the big screen and his eyes are closed, but he is not easy to read. and if i close my eyes, my step-father is conjured. overstepping his boundaries made him a type of psychologist and a scary presence to try to love but there are some times when i conjure his image, and a few of the things he said in 15 years stick. i do not know who those things were for. i see him doing "him" always, i see him training his body in an attempt to squeeze all the poisons out. i see him in his head working on a peace that won't ever come and i see that awareness as both torture and freedom. i see the "spiritual" path as a bunch of bullshit and i see each ones' own unique path as a pile of possibility. i feel for him because this awareness was only a cloak - not a movement itself. i see him sitting cross-legged; he and sarah always had such strong, beautiful legs - i leave them both there...i went to a meditation sit on bowery this tuesday. the speaker never showed (they made that a lesson into itself). i rolled my eyes. CHRIST!@ - must everything have a positive side? must i learn to change THIS pov? would i be a different person w/o these things i obsess over or that bring me anxiety? there is only one way to find out i guess - they say that if you explore and don't like what you see, hear, or feel - you are REQUIRED to reject it all - afterall, you're the boss. the best thing about the sit was the hard pillow under my ass and the cold downtown rain slapping the creaky air conditioner and every other fogged-up part of the huge windows of the studio. the room was so silent and several times i opened one eye as if the other were covered by a patch to take a peek at peoples' quiet faces. the man in front was at a 3% angle to the right. he looked like he was either finding oblivion, riding a wave, or having his hair brushed by a young indonesian in a two piece. i am sneaky and a lot of the time resistant, contra, and stubborn - so i peeked many times, as if to say, i guess, that i AM awake, in my very own way. but yes yes yes, i know that's too literal. you could be a part of a marriage but not actually be present, you could be in a relationship but love someone else, you could be the exec founder of an NGO in Ethiopia and be very very very asleep. my eyes wide open mean nothing but that i am fixated on this life...things change, and there is a lot of comfort in that.
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