december

the professor might be the only person in modesto, california, who wears berets...this was a big deal a long time ago, when we were all afraid of being unlike the other...most of those girls actually did turn out like their mothers...it might be a good, smart choice. they seem happy, from the faces of their smiling children on facebook, and from what i hear from mom now and again...the star soccer player, the most beautiful 13 year old i knew, the scrappy rebekah, the queen of summer camp, mike's little sister, everyones' little sister, actually...they're all mothers...sarah, also a mother, once told me that she thought NOT having children was a pretty selfish way to live...i realized we hadn't had a conversation, a real one, for an obnoxiously long time, because i didn't remember her as being so pompous, but...i suppose having a baby for some is sort of just 'what happens'...when you're in that life space, or of a certain age, or whatever...i'm not sure...i can't remember anything in my life related to growing up just 'happening.' in my selfishness i have found a lot of time to worry, be anxious, push forward, scramble, see movies alone, consider and simultaneously fight all the 'options' the modern work situation offers a college educated gal, make 1 cup of coffee at a time, feng-shui my 29301 rooms between now and 2000, etc...traditionally, i'm untraditional, but not on purpose...it's sort of just what has 'happened.' don't think my mom ever intended it to be that way...it is in this general subject area that all the questions concerning 'me' arise.

i have no answers.