04 January 2012

offerings to the gods of you-know-what

i make bargains and pleas in my head, not too desperate or too much, i don't barter too hard, though i barter, with time, the end, with money i don't have or never had, i'd trade for you if i loved you or i might trade you, split you down the middle soft belly open, miti-miti like, i might offer your services, offer you services, steal your image or stand for your camera, depending...there is always something, though, i have wanted from you, fíjate en eso. there are no altruists, no one is all true, only heart tourists, f-1 baby, d-day baby, t-rex daddy!!!! and it is 17 degrees fucking farenheit outside but inside it's hot and i'm getting bloody noses almost every week in this dry sahara heat. inside i'm sprawled, like a defunct palma, maybe it's 80 degrees or who knows. i sit on the toilet with the seat down and stare up at the naked yellow lightbulb, at 4, 7, 8 in the morning, 11 at night, i stuff a tissue in my face and i feel that thick shit dripping down my throat, thicker than blood as a female knows, and i pray on my future, i prey and i poach, i plot, i blow snot, i eat blood and swallow clots. nasty like you thought i was (a venezuelan has exposed you as the pruder) and if you saw me as that baby, that momma's girl then see me too as spoiled, a typhoon, a tantrum, insufferable, incorrigible, obstinada, tenaz they say, "uuuuuuuuf, tennnnnnnnnaz!" stubborn-as-fuck but it's all ok because we see what we want to, and we run from what scares us, and we leave what we love, and we let others put in work. i would give me up, too, coward, if i was you, coward. and in the end, while we're flexing our calves in the mirror and kissing our biceps i'm flashing, i'm flashing, i'm flashing like redheads in pure white winter snow and i've appropriated, manipulated, earned, bought, bred, made, or willed it all into my hands. i got it. i got it bad for me and only me - this might be monogamy. i have no good examples, though, so i defer instead to the gods of you-know-what. mi casa es mi casa, and yours is mine, too.

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